Hey - when I'm at work during the day it gets pretty boring so I started pulling Letterman's Top Tens of the net and sending them around work. After a while I decided to write my own, they're turning out so good that I'll post them here...

First up - now that Donald Trump Hotels and Resorts have filed for Chapter 11 in the US here are my...
TOP 10 Predictions for the Trump Taj Mahal

10. Mark the Mustache Guy goes back to his original career in porn
9. 10 year old Tiger kid sued by Sigfried and Roy for stealing their act
8. New Casino Cooler: Omarosa
7. Bowie seen on sidewalk begging for change
6. The Don declares his Bankruptcy: "The best in the world"
5. Public Outrage after waterfall found to be two guys hidden away with
a lifetime supply of Trump Ice
4. Donald's Hairpiece named in Sexual Harrassment Lawsuit
3. Frequent calls to Kerry Packer to 'come in spinner'
2. Top payout on $5 slots now $2
1. This just in: They're using that helicopter to airlift the whole
place to Las Vegas

Speculation is rife this week whether there'll be an election called, thought i'd add my own 2 cents...

TOP 10 Signs John Howard is going to call an election

10. Came out of burrow, didn't see own shadow - Election in 6 weeks!
9. Seen franticly scanning the northern coast for invaders
8. Had grounds staff at Parliament House recently mow eyebrows
7. Seen on morning jog in Pimpin' new track suit!
6. Hansard recording an increase in Prime Ministerial addresses to "The
Leader of the Opposition: Mark 'Man-Boobs' Latham"
5. To appeal to younger voters - has been seen sporting Shannon Noll
style "Flavour Saver"
4. Laurie Oakes getting into fighting trim shape cutting down to 7 meals
a day
3. Steve Leibmann seen going door to door telling folks to be alert not
alarmed
2. Strange new government mail-out: "To Violence against Cab Drivers:
Australia Says No."
1. Jana Pitman bungs up knee - that was the secret signal!!!

TOP 10 Worst Business Proposals

10. McDonalds restaurant next to Police Station
9. Bond/Skase Financial Planners
8. "The Offal Pit" restaurant
7. 1800 Revive
6. Westpac SMS Banking
5. Dr Peter Hollingworth Child Counsellors
4. Advance Back Hair - Yeah Yeah
3. Kerry Packer Vegas Investments Pty Ltd
2. Collingwood Finishing School
1. Connex Speedy Couriers

TOP 10 Least Popular New Movies

10. The Butterscotch Effect
9. Richard Butler's Day Off
8. The Steppenwolf Wives
7. Johnny Howard and the Prisoner of Woomera
6. I, Ruddock
5. The Passion of the Koch
4. Mystic Liver
3. Super Size Me (Fyshwick Edition)
2. Meet Joe Hockey
1. Cinema Paris Hilton

TOP 10 Richard Butler Reasons for Resignation

10. Not happy with Vice-Regal requirement to marry cousin
9. Blamed by press for extinction of the Tasmanian Tiger
8. Couldn't live in a state that doesn't have Red Rooster
7. Sick of Sunday mornings spent grooming Paul Lennon's mustache
6. Ostracised by Port Arthur community after saying they should "fix the
place up a bit"
5. Female staff unhappy with daily Weapons Inspection
4. Hours of Job Weekdays; Cadbury Factory Tours Weekdays only -
something's got to give!
3. Cutting a ribbon is damn hard work!
2. It's too bloody cold there!
1. $650,000

TOP 10 Connex Excuses
(for late/cancelled trains)

10. 90% of drivers sick with Monkey Pox
9. Several Trains can't get off the City Loop
8. Had a flat wheel
7. VLine was hogging all the tracks
6. Sheen Easton jumped onto the track at Jolimont
5. Fat Controller stuck in signal box
4. Driver got held up in the Laverton - if you know what I mean
3. Union held rolling stoppages over dangerous overhead wires
2. Had to give Mx something to b*tch about
1. We're not late, you're early!

TOP 10 Connex Promises

10. More apologies per hour
9. Flinders St now with 15% more urine
8. Minimum 3 huffers per carraige
7. New Connex rub up close to somebody dating service on selected lines
6. Lyrics to 'Nine to Five (Morning Train)' printed on the back of all
new metlink cards for singalongs
5. Excessive driver training program reduced from 52 weeks to 51
4. If your train is late - you get a free copy of Mx!
3. Badly needed 4th station for Altona
2. Coming soon: Highlights package from station security cameras -
Connex: Caught on Tape!
1. More Sheena!

TOP 10 Shock revelations about Australian TV

10. Since the collapse of One.Tel Jamie Packer and Humphry B Bear have
not been seen together at the same time.
9. Without his trademark hat - Molly Meldrum's brain is exposed.
8. Unseen Playschool Tapes teaching kids the correct way to pack a bong.
7. Stan Zemanek not angry - just constipated.
6. Dude from Secret Life who does voiceovers for Hungry Jacks is now
also featuring at Centrelink
5. Bert Newton's Hairpiece was offered own series
4. 2 of McLeod's daughters: Illegitimate
3. Frankie J Holden spotted last year driving a Kia
2. Plucka Duck strangley absent from TV while Sunrise enjoys successful
run
1. The rumours about Jennifer Keyte are all true.

Top 10 Future Jerry Springer Episode Titles:

10. Tram Drivers Sexy Secrets
9. Manboob Mania
8. Priministerial Love Triangles
7. Klan Team Meeting
6. Help! Eddie McGuire is sending me messages through my TV!
5. City Loop Swingers
4. Man of the Year: Carl Williams
3. I'm in love with my Sandwich
2. Jerry talks to the Senate Estimates Commitee #4
1. Collingwood Supporters Hour

TOP 10 Rejected Reality Shows

10. Survivor: Traffic Island
9. Who wants to be Eddie's bee-yatch
8. Brown Eye for the drunk guy
7. Tasmanian Idol
6. My Reefer Rules
5. Extreme Makeover - Michael Jackson edition
4. The Joe Schlong Show
3. Greer Factor
2. The Block - Redfern Edition
1. Average John

lol @ "4. Advance Back Hair - Yeah Yeah"

its funnier because i know the add, and the voice the guy says it in.

TOP 10 Signs that your Husband is leading a double life

10. 'Shaving Kit' consists of 11 velcro mustaches and double sided tape
9. His makes constant Trips to Canberra, but he's not a Politician
8. Often when catching train home, mistakenly ends up on interstate flight
7. Actually Remembers all your important anniversaries and dates
6. Uncanny knack of predicting the plot to Home and Away (Tasmanian Couples Only)
5. Says he's hard at work on the farm - caller ID reads "039"
4. For some unkown reason - is really dirty on Avalon Airport
3. The many unsolicited visits from Carl Williams
2. When chastising your kid, cycles through about 8 names to get to the right one.
1. You see him on Nightline

TOP TEN Least Popular Olympic Sports

10. Synchronized Spitting
9. 100m Doggy Style
8. Drive-by Trap Shoot
7. Face Sitting - Bantamweight Division
6. Beard Growing Competition (Shaun Eadie a real medal chance)
5. Duck Duck Goose
4. Tonsil Hockey
3. Equestrian Events (Shaun Eadie also a chance here)
2. Breaststroke (wait that's MOST popular)
1. Recycling

lol @ so many of those.

On ya Jimmy........thanks for posting them.

well done jimmy keep them coming!

Wtf???

Re: wtf


.........W T F are you doing ??

I can't quite figure out what's going on here.

I'd just like to say that I didn't care about some snot losed little shit riding her pony before the olympics, I don't care about it during the olympics, and won't care after the olympics.

Has this turned into a spam thread.......?

lol, good stuff
http://www.gifs.net/animate/cberanim6.gif

I can't see ya pic,Cul.....

I don't what happened - I was congradulating myself??!!

NEway - here's another TOP 10

TOP TEN Signs your Olympic Teammate is on Drugs

10. Able to form Olympic logo with Smoke Rings
9. Apartment at Olympic village also a registered methodone clinic
8. He keeps a puncture kit for his arm
7. His other job: Hosting Play School
6. Keeps having heated discussions with his coach who is not visible to the naked eye!
5. He enrolled in the AIS to study chemistry
4. Only riding so fast to keep away from all the spiders!
3. Instead of water bottle, bike has a sharps bin
2. He's won his first heat on a unicycle
1. He's on a first name basis with Warney's Mum

lol

More dammit,more !!!

Here's more - appropriately themed...

On Sunday - Howard was asking Australians to trust him - so here u go...

TOP TEN Reasons You Can Trust John Howard

10. Newsreaders have known it for years; Thick Eyebrows = Trustability
9. 9 out of 10 doctors say his pancreas is in for the long haul
8. Doing the job of slack teachers nationwide and keeping kids in detention
7. His track record of surrounding himself with trustworthy collegues like Dr Peter Hollingworth and Peter Reith speaks for itself
6. Lever & Kitchen Guarantee it!
5. Once borrowed 10 cents from Tony Abbott, and paid him back the next day
4. 9 out 10 Australian Cricketers do, so why shouldn't you?
3. Howard remembers when Australian Women's Weekly wasweekly, can you say the same thing about Latham?
2. Because Alan Jones has told you to, that's why!
1. If you beleive Abbott didn't inhale, then you'll beleive anything!

And in the interests of equal time

TOP TEN Little Known Labor Election Promises...

10. Join a union, get a free coke!
9. 1 Taxi Driver assaulted for every day of the campaign
8. Promise to introduce fixed terms and SMS voting
7. No Man, Woman or Child will be living in Property by 2008
6. Industrial Reform Legislation to include the reintroduction of the Smoko
5. I Promise to bring truth back to politics, and strippers!
4. Revised Promise to withdraw Australian Troops from Drug Rehab by Christmas
3. New policy to reduce MPs super by joining them with AMP
2. Legislation requiring all future Big Brother contestants to shower nude
1. More Manboobs Dammit!

Is this stuff as funny to Aussies as David Letterman is to everyone else? :)

You have to have some local knowledge i s'pose - it's like Letterman, jokes about baseballers or Rush Limbaugh tend to fly over most people's heads here! :)

More Nonsense

TOP TEN Things overheard by commuters stuck in yesterdays 4 hour traffic
jam...

10. "I wonder if I can take out a fatwa on VicRoads?"
9. "Which Todd Rd KFC is closer?"
8. "3 hours stuck in a car with Hughesy, Kate & Dave - I can't go on."
7. "Hurry Up! I'm going to miss Weekdays with Kerri-Anne!!!"
6. "Look, Mark Latham's tossing that cab driver over the bridge!"
5. "A Free parking space in the city, take that carepark!"
4. "Mmmm, Tunnel Fumes"
3. "This is still more interesting that the closing ceremony"
2. - - - INSERT EXPLETIVE HERE - - -
1. "I wish I'd listened to Sheena"

And Yet More...

TOP TEN Revelations from the Olympic Games

10. Australia collected 17 Gold, 16 Silver, 16 Bronze and 41 STDs
9. Unofficial Australian Team mascot: Dickie Knee
8. Shaun Eadie's beard approached by Enjo
7. Empty seats at stadium explained after it was learned Connex was
contracted to provide transport.
6. Olympic Flame designed by 2 ex playschool presenters and Robbie Chong
5. Thorpe still denying gay rumours, despite swimming 200metres in a
sarong
4. Commentator Andrew Gaze sees and talks to Dodo on a regular basis.
3. Michael Diamond shooting rampage through the streets of Athens widely
unreported
2. Games proclaimed as Unforgettable Dream games after Lame-O-Rama was
already taken
1. They we're *%$#&@^ boring.

Lol @ Latham & cab drivers............and lol @ connex.


lol @ free coke for joining unions.

LOL Jimmy Boy!

BUMP - watch this space - more to come

watching it closely...

more I need MORE!

This is great stuff. Do one on schapelle corby