If you see Willis downtown, buy him a drink
By Jane Kwiatkowski and Mary Kunz Goldman NEWS STAFF
Updated: 10/20/07 7:45 AM
As a sports town, Buffalo is far from fickle. Fans here are as loyal as they come — and we expect the players to behave the same way, to embrace our town the way we embrace them. Is that too much to ask?
Apparently it is. Remember Willis McGahee? He was the explosive running back with an exploded knee who played four years in Buffalo and still couldn’t make his way downtown. Coming to Buffalo, he kvetched, was like hitting a brick wall. All he ever did, Willis whined, was sit home at night and play video games. Now, guess who’s back?
Willis McGahee, coming soon to a football stadium near you! McGahee, in fact, has those very words — “Guess Who’s Back” — tatooed in ornate letters on his thick neck, a few inches below his left ear, just about where his Baltimore Ravens jersey ends.
We welcome you back, Willis! And to make sure you have a good time during your brief stay, we have dreamed up an itinerary — just for you. Not only that, we’ll tell you how it plays out. We know how you hate surprises.
Enjoy!
Today
Noon: Lunch at Prima Pizza, West Chippewa. Actually, Willis, we are surprised you never visited this joint, what with all its video games and all. Grab a slice of cheese & pepperoni while you work those machines.
12:05 p.m.— Make a mad dash down Chippewa — come on, you’re a football player, you can do it. Check First Niagara’s ATM for more quarters.
12:10 p.m. — Return to Prima Pizza. One of those big calzones might be in order now.
1 p.m.— Down the street you go, to the porn shop, the last remaining vestige of what Chippewa Street used to be. They’ll be happy to have you sign copies of your interview in Penthouse magazine from earlier this year.
3 p.m. — Just enough time for a trip to Super Flea on Walden Avenue, where it’s rumored that your Buffalo Bills “21” jersey is on sale for $4.99.
4:30 p.m. — Still singin’ the blues, Willis? Let someone else sing them for you. Head over to Pokey Joe’s Club Bar on Austin Street and listen to Cruizin’ Deuces with Denzel Ward and Barbara St. Clair.
7:30 p.m. — Head back to Chippewa for dinner at Bacchus. Oh, wait, you should have made a reservation.
7:45 p.m. — Try Laughlin’s, but don’t forget your curfew is closing in. You can worm your way into a bar seat if everything else is full. But if you get a seat on one of the upper floors, you’ll get a great panoramic view of the bar. You’ll probably see someone you think likes you.
9 p.m. — We know, you don’t need coaching on finding chicks in Buffalo. But your despair gives us concern. Here’s a suggestion: Descend to Sub Zero. A tip: When Ice Man, the bouncer, asks for I.D., he won’t be amused if you hand him your Applebee’s discount card.
10:30 p.m. — Stomach rumbling like the band’s speakers? Stop on Elmwood on the way home for a snack at the Great Wall. Don’t ask for a hamburger. This isn’t TGIFriday’s. Hey, look! You get a fortune cookie. Your fortune: “Man Who Speaks Fast Regrets at Leisure and Loses Football Game.”
11 p.m. — Home to bed you go. Hope you get to sleep, and don’t worry too much about the reception you’ll get at Ralph Wilson Stadium. The fans here probably won’t remember you at all ... Sunday
9 a.m.— One night down at the Lafayette Hotel! (All the other hotels had been full, what with all the conventions, not to mention Bills fans visiting from Toronto.)
9:30 a.m. — You know, we know, you know we know you want an energy drink. Buy one at the Big Basha, the legendary gas station and minimart on South Park Avenue.
10 a.m. — Here’s an idea. How about taking one or all of your exes to brunch? (Better stick with one. Your social skills aren’t up to a greater challenge. Besides, you’ll be lucky if even one says yes.)
Noon — Tip: Avoid the tourist locations. Try brunch at Coles on Elmwood. Melt the ice with strangers by spouting your Baltimore-acquired nuggets of culture. Tell them you eat crab cakes for brunch. And then tell them about your symphony orchestra hiring a conductor who is the first woman appointed to lead a major orchestra. Oh, wait. No. Willis. Willis!! You forget to go to the game!
jkwiatkowski@buffnews.com mkunz@buffnews.com