The stupid news stories thread

[crazyknightsfan]

http://www.theherald.com.au/news/loc...y/1358187.aspx

Girls rescued from pool area in Fingal Bay
12/11/2008 1:48:00 PM

FIRE crews were called in to help get two girls out of a pool area after they had climbed in for a midnight dip this morning.

Police said the two 16-year-olds had used garbage bins to climb over a fence at a Fingal Bay caravan park just after midnight.

But when they attempted to leave, one of the girls was unable to climb back over the fence.

Senior Constable Tony Tamplin said the girls, after realising their predicament, rang 000 for help.

But even police were unable to get the girl back over the fence.

A Rural Fire Service crew was called to bring in a ladder but while police were waiting, the second girl climbed back in to assist her friend.

They were then able to use the ladder to climb out of the pool area and were driven home to their parents.

lol wut

[Choko]

This thread could be an endless source of entertainment!

One of my mates tipped me off with the following blogger comment. Story was about a kid who ran away after his parents confiscated his Xbox, and was later found dead.

Concerned Mother of Melbourne writes:

You are all missing the point.. if we didn't have game consoles then this boy would still be alive. if banning consoles can save one life. isn't it worth doing?? my son is 28 and I won't let him play them as they are too violent. I won't let him play monopoly as it caused him to grow a capitalist streak that I didn't think was beneficial in such a young man.

[exocet]

Choko's sarcasm detector is broken.

[beastjim]

Originally Posted by Choko

Concerned Mother of Melbourne writes:

You are all missing the point.. if we didn't have game consoles then this boy would still be alive. if banning consoles can save one life. isn't it worth doing?? my son is 28 and I won't let him play them as they are too violent. I won't let him play monopoly as it caused him to grow a capitalist streak that I didn't think was beneficial in such a young man.

I shouldn't But I just can't resist, that is hilarious.

Are we still procrastinating CKF?

[SEQ92]

Today's sensationalist shit from the courier mail:

Explosives stolen off Brisbane rail tracks, cops warn

EXPLOSIVES stolen from a Brisbane train station could blow the hands and fingers off the thieves who pinched them, police have warned.
Three rail detonators - used to alert track workers to oncoming trains - are powerful enough to cause considerable injury.

The devices were stolen from tracks in inner Brisbane about 10.30pm on Tuesday.

"They're warning detonators and they're not powerful enough to blow up a safe but they could blow off your hand or fingers," an officer said.

Police said it was possible the thieves may have dumped the detonators and urged anyone who finds them not to touch them.

Each one has an orange cylinder and green base and is clearly marked with the word "explosives".

Police said anyone who locates the devices should contact them immediately.

http://www.news.com.au/couriermail/s...1-3102,00.html

Comment: Like duh... of course a live bomb could blow off someones fingers!

Is he really 'God' ... or just a naughty boy?

A MAN who believes he is ''God'' - and above all Queensland law - committed offences because ''the end of the world is nigh'', a court has been told.
Defence lawyers for Richard James Howarth told the Ipswich Magistrate's Court yesterday that Richard James Howarth held genuine, albeit bizarre religious beliefs, and that he had been deemed mentally fit to answer a number of criminal charges.

Kevin Rose, for Howarth, said he did not want to be disrespectful of his client's religious beliefs, but believed he had mental health problems that concerned him.

Mr Rose, who has acted for Howarth on numerous previous occasions, has previously revealed Howarth genuinely believes he is God and above all human laws.

Mr Howarth, who was wanted by police on outstanding warrants, was returned to custody last week after going on a nine-month outback pilgrimage.

The Courier-Mail revealed in February that Howarth had refused to talk to his lawyers or acknowledge the court's authority when he professed to be the creator of mankind.

Mr Rose said he had no doubt his client genuinely believed he was God.

In late March and April, Ipswich magistrate Matthew McLaughlin issued warrants for Howarth's arrest amid allegations he had travelled to either central Queensland or the Northern Territory as part of an outback pilgrimage.

Mr Rose said his office even now struggled to discuss Howarth's charges with him in any sensible manner.

"We have trouble getting lucid instructions (from Howarth)," Mr Rose told the court.

Acting magistrate Haydn Sternqvist last week ordered Howarth be remanded in custody for proper mental health assessment.

However, Mr Rose yesterday said the Forensic Medial Health Service had deemed his client fit to answer the charges.

The court was told Howarth should be assessed further because of his firm belief "the world is coming to an end".

Magistrate Jim Herlihy agreed and remanded Howarth in custody until today so the resident court mental health officer could be consulted.

Howarth has yet to enter pleas to three counts of driving under the influence of liquor and breach of bail and one each of failing to provide a breath specimen, obey a stop sign, dangerous driving while unlicensed.

http://www.news.com.au/couriermail/s...9-3102,00.html

Comment: LOL

Police Minister Judy Spence's office robbed as she lauds cops

POLICE Minister Judy Spence's electorate office was robbed just hours before she claimed in Parliament that her neighbourhood had the necessary police to tackle the low level of local crime.

Thieves smashed through the front door of Ms Spence's Creek Rd electorate office in Mt Gravatt, on Brisbane's southside, on Monday night and stole a $1000 camera and other items but no political material.

But under Opposition questioning about the Sunshine Coast's police-to-population ratio, Ms Spence used her electorate as a prime example of where a low crime rate meant meeting the state average of one officer for every 430 people was unnecessary.

"In my electorate it is way below the state average because, frankly, my electorate is safer than many parts of Queensland," she said.

An investigation is under way into why the State Government Security alarm system either failed to trigger or went ignored by local police.

The break-in is thought to have happened about 8.30pm but went unnoticed until yesterday morning.

Ms Spence said: "I have spoken to the local police and they tell me there was quite a number of cars that were available (Monday) night."

Ms Spence said it was not the first time she had been robbed but it was still a learning experience.

"It does give you an idea of what it is like to be a victim of crime," she said.

Comment: Stupid bitch. I hate her.

http://www.news.com.au/couriermail/s...1-3102,00.html

How Bryan Cebuliak's family switched to green power

SWITCHING all their power to renewable electricity was more of a last resort than a first step for the carbon-friendly Cebuliak family.

"We cut our energy consumption to just about half of what it was," said 22-year-old Ben Cebuliak, of Mansfield. "Then, after we had saved as much as we could, we went over to 100 per cent renewable."

The Cebuliaks have one of the state's lowest household carbon footprints, an achievement The Courier-Mail's One Degree Challenge campaign is helping to promote.

On Monday we launched a search for five groups of Queenslanders - four households and one small business - to take on a challenge to cut their emissions.

The Cebuliaks' move to a low-carbon lifestyle started after father Bryan, a 53-year-old GP, read leading Australian scientist Tim Flannery's climate change book The Weather Makers.

"I had been aware this was a problem before but that book and a couple of others I read really did crystalise it," he said.

"This is an important survival issue for my children and maybe their children in the future."

To lower their emissions from electricity, they installed a solar hot water system and replaced their washing machine and fridge with more energy efficient versions.

Then they switched their electricity supply to 100 per cent government-accredited GreenPower from energy company Origin, which sources most of its renewable power from wind farms.

Ben, who is studying urban planning and transportation at Griffith University, said: "This is all about trying to maintain the quality of life that we enjoy today and saving ourselves from our own destruction."

The Cebuliaks are among almost 160,000 Queensland households to get power from Government-accredited renewable resources.

Latest figures show that Queensland homes and businesses using renewable energy are saving more than 250,000 tonnes of greenhouse gases a month.

Away from their home electricity, the Cebuliaks also generate emissions through their travel habits - mainly through Bryan's annual flights to Canada to see relatives and his daily one-hour drive to and from work.

To compensate for those emissions, Mr Cebuliak has bought credits, which go to investment in renewable energy projects.

http://www.news.com.au/couriermail/s...6-3102,00.html

Comment: boooooooorinnnnnnngggggggg

[Choko]

Originally Posted by exocet

Choko's sarcasm detector is broken.

"The secret ingredient is... love??? Who's been messing with this thing?"

Sarcasm/pisstake or not, it's still frameable I reckon.

[jarf]

http://news.theage.com.au/national/p...1113-65vd.html

Police keep eye on 'above the law' cult
November 13, 2008 - 11:40AM

Victorian police are concerned about a religious cult that has declared itself above the law, refusing to acknowledge Australian laws or the constitution.

Members of the Kingdom of Yahweh, based in Melbourne's northern suburbs, refuse to register their vehicles, get driver's licences or register guns.

They even manufacture their own number plates.

Victoria Police Inspector Ewan McDonald said there was a "relatively small number of people who have this peculiar view".

"It seems to use very similar terminology to a number of other groups, and expresses, again, similar sentiments in relation to the laws of the land and the sovereignty of the parliament and the relevance of the constitution and the relationship with the Queen and the importance of the common law," he told Fairfax Radio Network.

"They don't regard themselves subject to the laws of the state of Victoria, which requires that you have a licence, that your car's registered and you need a licence to own and possess a firearm.

"It's a worry if anyone ignores that ... they're quite openly frank about their point of view in relation to this.

"We treat them as any other ordinary member of the public."

Insp McDonald dismissed claims the members booby-trapped their number plates.

But he said the plates were dangerous because they were poorly manufactured and had very sharp edges that could harm police when attempting to remove them.

Insp McDonald said it was important to remember the group did not preach violence, did not plan to overthrow the government and was not associated with any terrorist organisation.

"They act in their own interesting view of the world, they actually regard themselves as quite law abiding, it's just that they don't accept the sovereignty of the parliament as you or I would," he said.

"People who express these interests and feelings have been coming to police attention for a long time, they're just proceeded as ordinary members of the public ... they're just part of an interesting subgroup of the public that we get to deal with every day."

[Anberlin]

LOLOL.

Originally Posted by Skybean

Too fat for prison, criminal is free to go

INGRID PERITZ AND SIRI AGRELL

From Thursday's Globe and Mail

November 12, 2008 at 10:24 PM EST

MONTREAL, TORONTO — An obese inmate known as Big Mike is heading home early from a Montreal jail, as it appears that size does matter behind bars.

Michel Lapointe, who was imprisoned on drug-trafficking and conspiracy charges, walked out of Bordeaux Jail on Tuesday night after winning early parole – granted in part due to the health difficulties caused by his 400-plus-pound girth.

Normally, he would have had to go to a halfway house. But Mr. Lapointe was rejected by two such institutions because they said they couldn't accommodate someone his size.

So he got to go home.

“In the end, some might say he got off easy,” Mr. Lapointe's lawyer, Clemente Monterosso, said in an interview Wednesday. “But he didn't choose to be morbidly obese. This man is a colossus.”

The lawyer said the 37-year-old Mr. Lapointe suffered in jail because of his weight. His mattress was about a foot too narrow for his body, he couldn't squeeze his legs under the prison tables at mealtimes, and seating didn't provide support for his back.

“His health deteriorated in detention from lack of exercise, bad prison food and poor sleep,” Mr. Monterosso said. Mr. Lapointe was forced to take a lot of medication, he added.

Mr. Lapointe's weight had already come into play when he was sentenced in May. A judge reduced his prison term by six months because of the weight-related hardships endured during his 20 months of detention after his arrest.

In its decision this week, the Quebec Parole Board cited Mr. Lapointe's health – along with factors such as good behaviour, his non-violent crime and the support of his wife and mother – in justifying early release.

“You have been incarcerated for over 25 months and your prison conditions are difficult because of the state of your health,” the commissioners wrote.

Mr. Lapointe has filed a complaint with the Quebec Human Rights Commission.

“His rights were violated because he wasn't given the tools to rehabilitate himself,” Mr. Monterosso said. “He deserved to be treated with dignity and humanity.”

During his time in jail, Mr. Lapointe's weight increased to around 430 pounds from 300-plus when he was arrested. His lawyer blamed the weight gain on greasy food.

On Tuesday night, after his release from jail, Mr. Lapointe was photographed by a Montreal newspaper outside the prison gate, a cigarette in hand.

“Finally, I'll have a real bed and a chair to sit on,” he told Le Journal de Montréal.

Craig Jones, executive director of the John Howard Society of Canada, said Mr. Lapointe's case is the first he's heard of an inmate asking for special treatment because of his weight. But he expects it will not be the last.

Legislation governing incarceration in Canada requires prisons to adapt their facilities and practices to deal with inmates' individual needs, which can range in severity from allergies to mental illness and physical disabilities.

In many cases, Mr. Jones said, cells have been retrofitted so they can be occupied by prisoners in wheelchairs or with other specific health issues.

Mr. Jones also believes that Canadian correctional institutions should reconsider the diet imposed on inmates, one he said is heavy on carbohydrates.

“The diet is far from optimal, in my opinion,” Mr. Jones said. “If I were a nutritionist and had the ear of Correctional Service Canada, I would be saying migrate them away from white bread and potatoes. But white bread and potatoes are cheap.”

In the United States, weight has already become an issue in the world of crime and punishment.

In May, a Long Island, N.Y., man accused of selling knockoff guitars was arraigned in a pickup truck in aparking lot because at 500 pounds, he was unable to walk into the courthouse.

In 2006, a death-row inmate in Spokane, Wash., died of liver disease 12 years after he was found to be too obese to hang. In 1994, a judge ruled that Mitchell Rupe, who had shot and killed two bank tellers during a robbery, could not be executed because his weight of 400 pounds meant that he might be decapitated.

source: http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servl.../National/home

[Perth4life]

Jail for son who had sex with wheelchair-bound mum
Article from: PerthNow

* Font size: Decrease Increase
* Email article: Email
* Print article: Print

November 13, 2008 10:30am

A PERTH man who had sex with his wheelchair-bound mother because he said no other women wanted him has been jailed in the Northern Territory.
The 26-year-old man moved from Western Australia in February this year to live with his mother in Darwin.

On May 29, they were watching television when he told her: "Why don't women want me. I can't get no women here," the Northern Territory Supreme Court was told.

The son then pulled his mother's pants down, took a condom out of his wallet, and had sex with her.

They had sex again before the mother got into her wheelchair and went to her bedroom.

The woman - who suffers from rheumatoid arthritis and has been dependent on a wheelchair for the past seven years - told her doctor about the incident the following day and the man was arrested.

He pleaded guilty to two counts of having sex with a person knowing that the person was his mother.

In the Northern Territory Supreme Court in Darwin today, Justice Sally Thomas sentenced the man, who cannot be named, to three years in prison with a non-parole period of six months.

Backdated to the time of his arrest, it means he is eligible for parole before the end of this month.

Justice Thomas said the mother had felt "betrayed, lost, lonely and very upset".

But she said the son, who was drunk at the time of the offence, was "extremely remorseful".

She said the fact that he had been raised by his father in Western Australia meant the two did not share "a normal mother-child bond".

The case is the first of its kind in the Northern Territory

http://www.news.com.au/perthnow/stor...37-948,00.html

[roofromoz]

Pranksters dupe Americans with fake New York Times
November 13, 2008 - 7:11AM

A group of pranksters handed out more than 1.2 million fake New York Times newspapers mainly in New York City and Los Angeles on Wednesday with a front page story declaring "Iraq War Ends".

The elaborate 14-page edition, dated July 4, 2009, is said to be the work of a group called the Yes Men, whose previous hoaxes include masquerading as World Trade Organisation officials announcing they were disbanding the body.

"It is fake and we are looking into it," said New York Times spokeswoman Catherine Mathis.

A statement sent from a website set up for the fake edition, www.nytimes-se.com, said creating the newspaper took six months and that it was printed at six different presses and then given to thousands of volunteers to distribute.

"We've got to make sure Obama and all the other Democrats do what we elected them to do," Bertha Suttner, identified as one of the newspaper's writers, said in the statement. "After eight, or maybe twenty-eight years of hell, we need to start imagining heaven."

President-elect Barack Obama takes office on January 20 after eight years of the Bush administration and 28 years after the inauguration of Ronald Reagan.

The newspaper includes a front page story saying that "Ex-Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice reassured soldiers that the Bush administration had known well before the invasion that Saddam Hussein lacked weapons of mass destruction".

The Bush administration has said it believed at the time of the March 2003 invasion that Iraq had chemical and biological weapons and was trying to develop a nuclear bomb.

Other headlines declared that the "Maximum Wage Law Succeeds," "Nationalized Oil to Fund Climate Change Efforts" and "Nation Sets Its Sights On Building Sane Economy".

There is also a full-page fake advertisement on page three from the world's largest publicly traded oil company Exxon Mobil saying the company applauded the end of the Iraq war and that peace is "an idea the world can profit from."

In a pamphlet handed out to volunteers when they picked up copies of the newspaper to distribute there was a "Frequently Asked Questions" section. In response to "who made this?" it said: "Who knows? Rumours are it's a group of writers from several mainstream dailies -- including The New York Times."

The Yes Men, who were the subject of a book and documentary in 2004, have pulled off pranks including posing as Exxon Mobil and National Petroleum Council representatives to deliver a speech at a Canadian oil conference.

They have also posed as federal housing officials at a New Orleans event with the city's mayor and the governor of Louisiana and promised to throw open closed public housing to thousands of poor former city residents.

But they are not the first to fake The New York Times.

According to the paper's "City Room" blog, the best-known spoof was during the 1978 newspaper strike and the prank included journalist Carl Bernstein, author Christopher Cerf, humorist Tony Hendra and Paris Review editor George Plimpton.

Reuters

SMH

[crawf]

BSD?

Trouser snake on a plane

PHOEBE STEWART

November 18th, 2008
IS THIS SEAT SHAKIN'? Lucas Knudson leaves court yesterday.

IS THIS SEAT SHAKIN'? Lucas Knudson leaves court yesterday.

A MAN who described himself as a "Jack of all trades'' has been fined for exposing himself and masturbating in front of a woman on a Darwin-bound flight.

Lucas Steven Knudson argued he was "just adjusting himself" because his jeans were too tight, a Darwin court heard yesterday.

The case follows hot on the heels of a recent front page NT News report in which a court heard a Territory man filmed himself masturbating while speeding at 150km/h in his Holden SV6.

In yesterday's case, the Darwin Magistrates Court heard Knudson, 32, had just landed on board Virgin Blue flight DJ449 from Brisbane when he was escorted off the plane by Australian Federal Police after masturbating for "maybe four minutes" underneath his tray table in view of Kununurra mother-of-two Simone Holt.

The court heard the Ballina man - wearing jeans, a flannelette shirt, white socks and thongs - told airport officers her story was "bull****".

But the two police officers who spoke to him after the midnight flight on April 11 said his jeans were not "overly tight".

After a two-hour hearing, magistrate Tanya Fong Lim found Knudson guilty of committing an indecent act on the plane under the Commonwealth Crimes Aviation Act.

Ms Holt was emotional as she told the court she awoke about three hours into the flight to see Knudson masturbating.

The Grade 3 teacher's aide said she was seated on a window seat in row 11 with no one between her and Knudson in the aisle seat - and he was shielding his activity from other passengers and flight attendants on the other side with his shirt. Ms Holt said she turned her reading light on to indicate she was awake and he "should cease" the act.

She said he did stop "somewhat" but left his genitals exposed outside of his jeans.

Ms Holt - who had to describe every detail of what she had seen in court - said she became anxious and signalled a flight attendant and asked to be moved.

Virgin Blue flight attendant Kelly Taylor said Ms Holt was "panicked" and breathless when staff tried to console her at the back of the plane. She said Knudson had stretched out across all three seats to sleep with his fly undone.

On the witness stand, Knudson said he had undone his button and touched his genitals for a few seconds to make himself more comfortable.

Knudson - who described himself as a "jack of all trades" - was travelling to Darwin to work at a Territory crocodile park. He sang in court as he waited for his hearing to start - but was shaking when he was found guilty later yesterday afternoon.

Ms Fong Lim said it was totally unacceptable to masturbate in public, "particularly in an aeroplane situation" and fined Knudson $2500.

http://www.ntnews.com.au/article/200...55_ntnews.html

[Anberlin]

[Brizer]

Sounds more like he is a 'jack off of all trades'.

[SEQ92]

[SEQ92]

Naked man found in north Queensland rainforest

A NAKED man was found in dense rainforest south of Cairns in a bizarre rescue that left searchers, including a teenage boy, scratching their heads.

The man, 27, spent a cold night huddled among the trees on a steep ridge behind Bingil Bay at Mission Beach after losing his way, and his clothes, in the rainforest.

"He was sitting there with scratches all over him," teenage searcher Brad Figallo said.

Read more about the naked man in the rainforest at The Cairns Post.

http://www.news.com.au/couriermail/s...76-952,00.html

[BleakCity]

Trippa?

[crazyknightsfan]

http://www.theherald.com.au/news/loc...r/1363831.aspx

Man caught with penis in pasta jar
BY STEPHEN RYAN
19/11/2008 12:59:00 PM

A MAN caught near Nobbys Beach with his penis in a pasta sauce jar led police on a 20 kmh car chase, Newcastle Local Court heard yesterday.

Police drew their weapons when they suspected Keith Roy Weatherley, 46, was armed.

Instead, they found him partially clothed with his genitals in a jar, a police statement said.

Weatherley, of Promontory Way, North Arm Cove, attracted attention parked in a no-stopping zone before noon on October 26.

Police believed Weatherley was doing something with his hands in his lap and thought that he might have a weapon.

Weatherley saw the police and drove away, despite them flashing their lights.

The chase lasted five to 10 minutes, with a top speed of just 20 kmh, before Weatherley was stopped at Centenary Drive, Newcastle. He refused to leave the car.

Four officers used batons and capsicum spray to remove him.

They found a 750-millilitre jar around his penis and noted that Weatherley attempted to continue "pleasuring himself in between bouts of wrestling".

A search of his car uncovered pornography, a home-made sex aid, women's stockings and a Jack Russell terrier.

Weatherley pleaded guilty to offensive behaviour, resisting police and disobeying a police direction.

Magistrate Elaine Truscott asked Weatherley, who represented himself, why he behaved the way he did.

He said he resisted police because he was trying to make himself "decent".

He was fined $600 for offensive behaviour and convicted of the other two offences without further action taken.

[cyborg81]

"pleasuring himself in between bouts of wrestling"

[SEQ92]

[LanceDriver]

^ It's almost like KFC created this thread just for you!

'Sex ramp' romp for former fattest man
November 19, 2008, 5:27 pm
http://au.news.yahoo.com/a/-/mp/5156...p-fattest-man/

© A Mexican famous for being the world's fattest man was able to consummate his marriage after friends built him a "sex ramp", according to reports.

Manuel Uribe, 43, who once weighed more than 570kg but has slimmed down to about 300kg, married Claudia Solis - a friend's widow - last month.

Mr Uribe attended the ceremony on a flatbed truck, but the rest of the wedding night did not go so smoothly, the UK's Daily Star reported.

"So pals constructed a three-foot ramp, reinforced with concrete, allowing him to raise the lower half of his body," the newspaper said.

This allowed greater access to his private parts.

"We have finally had sex and we are a true couple in the eyes of God," Mr Uribe told the newspaper.

"We feel like we are in heaven here on Earth."