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Locked and Loaded
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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Just reading this made me laugh. I got this from a friend and thought the SA peoples would like this....this is actually pretty true....

Mattel recently announced the release of Limited-Edition Barbie dolls for the San Antonio market.

Stone Oak Barbie:
This princess Barbie is only sold in La Cantera. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a longhaired foreign dog named Honey, and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift.
NOTE: Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with "augmented" version.

Terrell Hills Barbie:
This collagen injected, rhino-plastic Barbie wears a leopard print spandex outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends on her boat. Percocet prescription available.

The Dominion Barbie:
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer
H2. Included is her own Starbucks cup, credit card, and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private school Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.

Incarnate Word Barbie:
Comes with standard issue University of Incarnate Word shorts with "UIW" printed largely on the butt. Also comes wearing "themed" sorority party T-shirt, hair in a pony tail and a gaggle of similar looking friends, each carrying the latest in "knock off" Kate Spade bags. Honda Civic, undecided major, and drunken backward hat Frat Ken sold separately.

Windcrest Barbie:
This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with a Ford Windstar minivan and matching velour gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately.

Selma Barbie:
Short, highly tanned and ready to land a husband, we mean, get an education.

Marbach Road Barbie:
This confused doll speaks English with a Spanish accent or vice versa, and already has a back tattoo. Comes with a 1996 Chevy Truck with bumper sticker" I do not live on the West Side, I live on the Northwest Side". The optional Ken is undecided.

San Pedro/North Main Barbie (Ken?):
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple "snap-on" parts.

Glens Barbie:
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9 mm handgun, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash, preferably small, unmarked bills.

South Side Barbie:
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED, black lipstick and a bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his '79 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

Converse Barbie:
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

Bulverde Barbie:
This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Converse Barbie's (discontinued) house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.

Helotes Barbie:
Can be found within 5 miles of their childhood home, at El Chapparal from 1030-7p, Floore's from 8p-1130p, and Cowboy Bar from 1130p 'til they go home with Ken (the same guy they were dating in high school). Action Helotes Barbie comes with pull-string & voicebox complaining about the loss of Handy Andy, Albertson's, and the innocense that was once Helotes. Helotes Barbie is clothed in Wal-Mart attire bought outside Helotes city limits - yeehaw!
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