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VD Outbreak Plagues Parliament Hill; Political Bedhopping Blamed

Dozens of Members of Parliament representing each of the four parties in the House of Commons have been diagnosed with a variety of sexually transmitted diseases in the past week, has learned.

"Chlamydia, gonorrhea, crabs, the clap, herpes, you name it-they're all going around like envelopes at a meeting of Quebec ad executives," said a doctor who tends regularly to the naughty areas of Canada's political leaders and who requested anonymity for professional reasons.

The outbreak of venereal disease has been attributed to the rampant political bedhopping that has been going on over the past seven to 10 days among the nation's parliamentarians.

Last week, the Conservative Party's 'war room' suggested that Liberal Prime Minister Paul Martin and NDP leader Jack Layton "should go and get a room" because of the controversial agreement-in-principle reached recently between the two parties.

Layton and Martin shot back, accusing Conservative leader Stephen Harper of "getting into bed" with separatists due to the Conservative Leader's plan to trigger a non-confidence vote in the House with the support of the "separatist" Bloc Quebecois. Harper countered by accusing the Liberals and the NDP of "playing footsy and doing several other things much less wholesome that I would never do" with separatists because they had you know, been seen in the same room as some of them in the past, so like they should talk.

The temperature was raised several degrees when 'Randy' Jack Layton then said on the weekend that Harper was "performing fellatio" with separatists.

Bloc leader Gilles Duceppe got involved in the witty repartee on Monday, arguing that at least he wasn't getting into bed with the Prime Minister "like some kind of man-*****."

"I would never, ever get into bed with the Prime Minister. Even after 10 beers," insisted the Bloc Leader.

"Oh, it burns."

For reasons of optics, getting into bed with separatists is the worst thing a federalist politician can do, suggested veteran hill journalist Jack Drunken, although he has no aversion to it himself. "Personally, I don't care if it's a separatist I'm getting into bed with, as long as she's got a nice set of cans and she doesn't call me the next day."

Harper has no regrets about his political promiscuity with separatists, but he said he would do things somewhat differently the next time he has to do it. "Young people of Canada, listen to me: You shouldn't rush into things-when you hop into bed with a strange political bedfellow from any party, always wear protection," insisted Harper.

"Hell, I would have a four-way with Rene Levesque, Che Guevera and Karl Marx himself as long as it guaranteed me my beautiful, coveted election."

Posted on May 3rd, 2005

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